Unrequited
by Random Ravenclaw91
Summary: Everyone assumes Sirius Black has never truly cared for a girl. They're wrong. It's just that he can't do anything about it. SiriusLily
1. Prologue

**A/N: **_This is my first attempt into the Marauder Era category... Actually, I've only read about two fics from this era, so I'm not entirely sure what's clichéd and what isn't. I hope you like it!_

Prologue

I watched as James practically fell out of the compartment on the Hogwarts Express when he saw Lily walk by. I rolled my eyes and pulled him back in. "You just saw her; she hasn't changed in the last five minutes."

"I could look at her all day," said my lovesick friend. "She's perfect, isn't she?

Even though I inwardly agreed that there were very few flaws to Lily Evans–except perhaps a fairly nasty temper–I asked, "Come on Prongs, she's hated you for six years–what makes you think this year is going to be any different?"

He snapped back into reality. "I just have this feeling. _You_ would know if you ever dated a girl for more than a week," he snarled at me. Lily was, as always, a sensitive subject with him.

"He's dated a girl for more than a week. Last year. Her name was... er... What was her name, Sirius?" Wormtail questioned, looking very confused.

"Who knows... Do you think I actually bother knowing all their names?"

Remus stopped looking out the window for a minute. I could tell he had something on his mind. "You really should find someone you actually care about, Sirius. Then you might remember her name."

"Her first _and_ last?" I joked through my annoyance.

"Maybe even her middle name too," he said as he turned away.

I carefully controlled my expression. If they thought I never cared about anyone, they were bloody well wrong. Just because my eyes didn't fall out of my head every time she walked by didn't mean there wasn't anyone I was in love with. Had they ever once thought that the reason I dated so many girls was to make sure no one found out? No they hadn't.

"Don't look like that, Padfoot. We're just joking," said James.

Oh yeah, all he does is joke. If only he knew what I've given up for him. "Snogging in broom closets is perfectly fine for me," I growled through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, the emotional connection must give you a deep sense of pride," James snapped at me.

"It's good enough for me! At least I'm not pining away over some girl my whole life," I said loudly.

"Don't say stuff like that to me! Just because I'm waiting for the right girl to come along doesn't mean–"

I interrupted him and turned the argument fully back to Lily. "So what _is_ so different about this year?"

James pointed unnecessarily to his chest as he boasted, "I'm Head Boy this year–"

"–And she's Head Girl, I know," I snapped. "Besides," I commented after a few seconds, "I would've bet anything Moony would get the badge."

James looked as if he'd been slapped, but Remus smoothly covered it up by saying, "Maybe Dumbledore finally realised a werewolf doesn't make a good authority figure."

"Don't say that," James muttered. "You'd be a better Head than me."

I could have killed myself, the way I'd treated James. Just because he was well on his way to getting Lily didn't mean that I had to be such a bastard.

The silence seem deafening for the rest of the train ride. It was so rare for James and me to fight, and we'd never before fought about Lily. I reminded myself that I would have to be careful this year if I wanted to keep my secret. It did seem far too likely that James might actually get the girl.

"Prongs," I said later, as we were walking out of the train, "I'm sorry."

He paused and looked at me. "Yeah, I am too. You can date all the girls you want. Maybe it'll help you find someone," he said with a slight smile.

"Maybe," I said, forcing a smile that I was sure looked real. After all, I'd had years of practise.

"So I have something planned for the first prank of the year," he told me as we boarded the horseless carriages.

"Does it involve Snivellus?" Wormtail said from behind us.

"Yes it does," James said, grinning evilly. Again, I forced my expression to match his, even as my mind wondered back to our fifth year...


	2. Falling

Chapter 1: Falling

I noticed her–I mean, _really_ noticed her–somewhere near the end of our fifth year. For years I had been forced to listen to Prongs go on and on about her. I thought she was a decent enough girl. Quite beautiful, actually. She was, in fact, one of the few beautiful girls in our year (and the year above, and the year below) who I didn't succeed in getting. Well, I admit this was because I never tried since James was my best friend, but I had a feeling that she never would have fallen for my tricks. So, I had a grudging respect for her.

It was during Transfiguration Class, I remember. James and I were at the top of that class–and nearly every other class too. We had been acting up (as always) and so McGonagall decided to separate us. Much to my outward indifference and inward relief that it wasn't anyone worse, Lily was instructed to change seats with James. Even for my high standards, Lily was very good at Charms and Potions.

She earned even higher respect when she successfully Vanished her mouse after only James and me. Since we finished so early, Professor McGonagall had one of her rare bursts of generosity when she said we could talk quietly while practising for the rest of the period.

Lily looked uncomfortably at me, a silent question in her bright green eyes.

"Don't worry," I assured her, "I won't tell James anything you say to me." Even though this was in clear violation of the Marauders' code, I didn't feel too bad about it. After all, Marauders were also known to bend the rules a bit–or, er, a lot.

"Thanks," she sighed. After about a minute, she said, "Does he talk about me a lot?"

I felt a twinge about going against so many of our laws, but I looked into her eyes and couldn't help but answer truthfully, "He talks about you so much that I sometimes feel like beating him over the head. And he thinks you hate him."

"I don't hate him," she explained as she blushed slightly. "I just don't want to go out with him."

I nodded as though I understood perfectly. Now it was my turn to ask a question. I gestured over to Snape's table where he was still working, his greasy black hair falling in front of his eyes. "Why are you friends with him? No one else is."

"I've known him longer than I've known anyone at this school," she explained, "but he's too into..."

I looked back over at her when she trailed off. "Tell me," I said in my most persuasive voice.

"He's very into the Dark Arts. I hate that about him and I hate to see you and your friends abuse him so much," she told me, snarling toward the end.

"Have you ever seen him attack _us_? Snape has probably invented curses!"

"I know he attacks you, and I've tried to get him to stop."

I shrugged, not knowing how to answer her apologetic look.

"He fancies you," I told her, changing the subject abruptly.

"I know he does," she sighed.

"Well, do you like him too?" For some reason I cared far too much about her answer.

"Didn't we just talk about this?" she snapped.

"No... we didn't talk about what you thought of him..."

She was as confused as I was. "I just told you I didn't want to go out with him..."

Did I black out during our conversation or something? Because I did not recall her saying anything along that line about–

"No!" I said, finally realising what was going on. "I'm not talking about James!"

"Well, then who–oh... Severus."

I nodded.

"Wait, you think he..."

"Obviously," I said as casually as possible.

"Oh, well, he–he's just my friend, you know? Even if he does... think of me as more than a friend, I don't... I don't think I do anyway," she was stammering and uncomfortable. Still, I was very curious and only wanted to know more. "He's too–too into the Dark Arts... Why am I explaining this to you anyway?" she snapped.

I shrugged. "It's not something you can talk about to most people, is it?"

She smiled a bit unwillingly. "No, I guess it isn't."

That's when I first noticed Lily Evans.

OooOooOooO

Due to my conversation with Lily, I was interrogated immediately after Transfiguration by James. Breathlessly (I admit I'd been trying to avoid him while I fabricated a story) he asked, "What did you and Lily talk about?"

Unfortunately, my story was not fully planned. "Mostly about classes and stuff," I lied.

"Your expressions were too extreme to be about school," he said.

"We just talked, Prongs. It was nothing groundbreaking," I commented as casually as possible, but just then Lily walked by and waved slightly at me. Her friends giggled madly. (Well, one of them glared at me. I think I may have gone to Hogsmeade with her at one point...) This, unfortunately, did not escape the notice of James. Before he could yell at me–or murder me with his bare hands–I quickly explained, "We talked about you, mostly. She wanted to know if you really cared about her, or if she was just a challenge to you."

"She said that?" he said with an expression of happiness mingled with regret.

"Yeah, and I told her that you know your mind fairly well–"

"Oh, thanks," he grinned.

I laughed then continued, "And that you would never lead her on."

He looked at me, his face clearly showing his elation. I tried to match his expression–as always–but found that for once I couldn't. So I looked away, pretending to look at a cluster of fourth-years walking by.

OooOooOooO

"Nothing to do around here," I commented, looking around the common room at my fellow students. Everyone was studying for exams (they were ages away!), especially those in my year. O.W.L.s were supposed to be important for some reason. James and I were the only ones who hadn't lowered ourselves to picking up our books.

He nodded, then said with a pained expression, "You know, Padfoot, maybe we should–"

"No," I snapped, not about to sink that low.

"But we might not know–"

"We do."

"But what if we–"

"We won't fail." But even as I said it, a terrible feeling swept over me. It took me a few seconds to realise what it was–but then it came: I was nervous. I pushed the feeling away. "Exams are more than three weeks away! We have ages... People just care about exams too much. We should cause some mayhem."

Lily was sitting in a seat near us. When she heard my last statement, her head snapped in our direction, her expression wild, "Don't you even think about it, Sirius Black. If you cause any chaos in here, I'll personally learn the worst curses there are and use them on you."

I bit back a laugh as I said noncommittally, "Well, in that case..."

She smiled a bit unwillingly, which I gladly returned–except mine wasn't hesitant. James, however, ruined the moment by grinning at me. He was thinking, I assume, that I was becoming friends with Lily Evans to help him out.

He was definitely wrong.

OooOooOooO

Contrary to the apparent belief of my friends, I did not like it when they used the Marauders' Map to find me when I was snogging some girl in a broom closet–or anywhere else for that matter. So unless I remembered to specifically bring the Map with me (which was rather unusual), I was forced to endure James barging in just for the hell of it.

Unlike him, I did not find this amusing. On the contrary, I found it quite annoying. Still, he was my best friend, so I was forced to endure it.

Guess who I thought interrupted me while snogging–er, I know her name, just wait a moment–Maria! Yes, Maria! Well, I actually wished it had been James. But, no. It wasn't.

I heard the door open and then a ringing silence. This was unusual to begin with, since James had a tendency to make some sort of snide comment. But I was sort of–well–occupied at the time, so I only noticed the strangeness of this when the door slammed.

_Hm,_ I thought, _I guess it's not James..._

Quickly leaving the closet, all I could see was a flash of red hair streaming around the corridor. I ran to make sure I knew who it was, and sure enough, there was Lily Evans, leaning against a wall, breathing harshly. "Lily," I started softly.

Her head shot toward me, and after a quick look of horror and resentment, she ran.

A few times a girl had walked in when I was making out. It had never really bothered me before–actually, I had found it fairly amusing. This time, though, was different. For reasons unbeknownst to me, my heart had lurched when I saw Lily. Why in the world did I care? I mean, girls were all the same–Lily, Maria: how could I find a difference? And yet, there was a difference. A big one.

OooOooOooO

I don't know exactly when I fell in love with her. I think it was a gradual thing. I started to notice that she was around Snape far too often. It had always made James very jealous, but I'd always laughed at him about it–telling him he was far too into Lily and that he really needed to get a life.

Now, though... Well, now is certainly different. Now, I wanted to rip of Snape's head every time he came near her.

I couldn't believe I'd ever joked with James about Lily. I began to share his opinion of her perfection.

But I couldn't have a thing for Lily Evans! James was in love with her for gods' sakes! Besides the fact that I would have broken about a hundred unwritten Marauder laws, my own personal standards would never let me try to steal my best friend's... um, well... crush, love, whatever. I couldn't do that. No way.

So I dismissed all of my stupid thoughts as figments of my imagination.

Me in love with Lily Evans? Of course not!

Besides, Sirius Black does not fall in love. He snogs random girls at assorted locations throughout the school.

Love? It didn't even exist for me.

OooOooOooO

"Hey, Padfoot, you haven't been out with anyone in a while, have you?" my far too observant friend named James commented.

"No, I haven't," I responded, attempting to keep my voice casual.

"Why's that?" Remus asked. I held back my glare. It wasn't as though Remus was ever nosy... Still, great time for him to start.

"I'm just getting tired to stupid jealous ex-girlfriends glaring at me whenever I date another one," I lied.

"Haven't you ever fallen for someone, Padfoot? Or have you honestly never cared for any of them?" Damn James and his bloody questions!

I lied again, "Well, most of them haven't got a brain any larger than a–"

I broke off and followed James's stare. Yeah, maybe there was one...

OooOooOooO

"Where the hell have you been?" James demanded as soon as I walked into the common room. Of course, I fully understood and anticipated his concern, but that was the whole point.

"Out," I stated flatly in a tone that clearly said the conversation was over.

"It's 4 AM! Padfoot, have you been with," his voice dropped dramatically as he continued, "a girl?"

What a nice way of wording it. I rolled my eyes. Of course I hadn't! Still, the whole point of my outing–which merely consisted of transforming into a dog and sleeping on the grounds–was to make James think I was seeing someone again. Since, according to the other three Marauders, it was _unusual_ and _strange_ for me to not be dating anyone.

I walked swiftly up to our dorm and barely heard James call after me, "Where were you?"

"Where do you think I was?" I snapped loud enough for him to hear.

Inwardly, I answered myself, _Getting you off my back._


	3. Jealousy

Chapter 2: Jealousy

I don't know when I realised I was jealous. I wasn't entirely familiar with the feeling, but I started to realise that I wanted nothing more than to dismantle his body piece by piece.

No, of course I'm not talking about James.

I'm talking about Snape.

OooOooOooO

I hid my jealousy well, though. James had no idea. I was no worse to Snape than I ever had been before, and even Moony didn't notice any difference.

But it was getting harder and harder. I saw the two of them together all the time. Lily and Snape. Talking; laughing.

It was disgusting.

I mean, did she honestly think he was so great? I had heard him use the term "mudblood" on numerous occasions. But to her–to _her_–he put on his best front, like a perfect bloody angel.

I wanted revenge more than anything. More than anything I'd ever wanted before.

OooOooOooO

It wouldn't stop.

I mean, I don't even think I'd admitted to myself that I was in love with Lily Evans by this time. But I knew deep down. I knew that I was.

O.W.L.s neared, and I tried (and failed) to stop thinking about her.

Yeah, it didn't work.

It's just that she was always _there_. Now that I'd noticed her, I was constantly aware of her presence. Before, James would always let me know that Lily was in the vicinity–if not verbally, the expression on his face was a dead giveaway. But now I began to realise that I was noticing her _before_ James. I nearly always saw her first.

It wasn't just the fact that I was slightly more observant in general than James. It was the distinct flash of red hair, the bright green eyes, and the smiling look. It was the obvious perfection and the fact that she was so self-assured. Her presence was like a magnet for my eyes. No matter where she was, as long as she was in my vicinity, I would find her.

But whenever I did find her, Snape was always there too.

I couldn't ignore him, either.

I tried–I really did. I tried too tame my murderous Black temper. But, among the things I inherited from my awful family, I got the temper in full force

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"Well, since you and Miss Evans worked so well together last week, I've decided you should sit together again today."

Music to my ears–another conversation with Lily Evans.

Perfect.

Did I mention that McGonagall was my new favourite teacher? Because this assigned seat thing really put her over the top.

She walked over to me, grinning. "Hey, Sirius!" she said cheerily, sitting next to me. She apparently didn't mind the seating arrangement either.

"Hi, Lily–" I started, but quickly got interrupted by McGonagall telling us that since O.W.L.s were in only two weeks, we would only be reviewing with our partners.

Did I mention that I was no longer partnered with James?

Because I was fully thanking the gods that Lily Evans was next to me.

Anyway, I could tell that Lily was very intent upon studying, so I didn't press for conversation. We talked a bit, just about school and the upcoming exams. The subject was nothing groundbreaking, but the fact that I was able to talk to her without drawing any sort of suspicion was refreshing.

"Are you studying a lot?" I asked after a few minutes of silence.

She gave me a mocking look. "Nope, not at all. Those times you see me by in the common room with all my books out, I'm really just ordering new robes."

"Ah, I see," I commented, grinning. "Since, you know, exams aren't for another two weeks."

"You say that like we have endless amounts of time."

"Well, I have noticed that you aren't in the common room all _that_ often." As soon as I said it, I realised that the statement sounded like I was stalking her or something.

"What, you've noticed?" she asked, apparently realising the same thing I did.

I thought quickly, and then turned to the old standby. "It's James, honestly," I said casually, rolling my eyes. "He comments about you every time he sees you. And he's been commenting a lot less lately." I was suddenly aware that I was staring harshly, and I quickly softened my gaze as she turned to me.

"I'm still studying–except with someone else."

"Someone else? Who?"

"Severus, of course," she commented as she turned back to her book.

She couldn't have known that those words were like a slap in the face. Who was she studying with? _Severus, of course!_

Snape! Snape was the one who was following my friends and me around obsessively, trying to find out where Remus went once a month. Snape, who was evil and cruel. And completely wrong for Lily.

This was no longer just jealousy. I knew from experience that for the next few hours, I would be in a vicious rage.

OooOooOooO

Why is it that everything seems to happen on the same day?

It was that evening–a Friday. I'd been avoiding everyone since Transfiguration until–

"Sirius, I've been looking everywhere for you!" James said, running over to me. "Where've you been? You know what tonight is, right?"

"Of course I know what tonight is. It's the full–" I broke off, as I realised what this meant.

"Yeah," I heard James say faintly as my mind slipped away, "we have to be careful tonight, too. Snape has been trying to figure out what we've been doing for ages..."

"Of course," I said as calmly as possible. "I have to go get something, though. I think I left..." I trailed off, pretending to look in my bag for something.

"Okay, but hurry up; it's getting late. Remus is probably going out there right now..."

But I was off and running. I knew it had to be happening, and I couldn't think straight. Why didn't I think of the consequences at the time? Did I ever stop and think what this would mean?

I heard a quiet voice up ahead, and I slowed down. I couldn't understand the words, but they sounded as though a person was talking to himself. I looked around first and saw him standing there, leaning out a window. Softly the words came to me as the wind took most of them away. "...Where's he going?"

I backed up a few steps and looked out another window. The angle was different, but the view was the same. Moony was being lead to the Whomping Willow by Madam Pomfrey.

I knew that it was now or never.

I had one second to think. Was it worth it?

Lily was practically in love with him already. He had to pay.

His voice carried around the corner, and I knew it was time. I was rounding the corner as he finished saying, "He just went into that tree!"

"He didn't go into the tree, you idiot. He went _under_ it."

Snape was whirling around and reaching for his wand as my words stopped him. "If you're brave enough, _Slytherin_," he cringed at the insult, but didn't send a spell. I knew I was hitting just the right note. I continued, "All you have to do is prod the knot at the bottom of the trunk with a stick. That's what Remus is doing. He's going to Hogsmeade. That's where the tunnel leads, which you would know if you had enough courage to break a few school rules. But I don't think you could _handle_ it," I finished in a taunting voice as I disarmed him. I walked back to the common room without Snape sending a single spell in defense.

He deserved what would come of this, the bastard.

OooOooOooO

"Padfoot, where've you been? It's already dark–we have to go!"

"I don't think we should go tonight," I told my best friend lazily as I collapsed into the armchair.

"Not go! Why not?" he whispered urgently, still very aware of the fact that everyone was still awake, since dusk had barely settled.

"Well, some people say two's a crowd and three's company–where did I hear that saying? Anyway–for us on the full moon–four's company. But tonight there'll be five." I don't know why I decided to make the story into a riddle, but for some reason I was rather enjoying it.

Now he was staring at me like I was crazy–how nice for him to finally realise.

"What are you talking about?" he asked in a strangled voice.

"Snape decided to join the party tonight. You know, I was thinking, Prongs... What do you think Snivellus's Animagus form would be? I'm thinking a bat, or maybe a–"

"Did you tell him something?" James interrupted quite rudely.

"Just about prodding the knot. Honestly, I was probably doing the jerk a favour. Too bad I didn't realise it at the time. He was pretty intent on getting 'in' the tree that he would've tried it even if I hadn't told him. Can you believe that he thought Moony was going _in_ the tree? How pathe–"

James finally came out of the trance my words had put him in. He snapped out of his thoughts and jumped up, pulling me bodily from the common room.

"Hey, where's Wormtail, anyway?" I asked when he finally stopped walking.

"You told Snape how to get into the Shrieking Shack, Sirius! What the hell did you do that for? You know he'll try it, and you know that Remus is dangerous..." James trailed off as a thought occurred to him.

_Bloody nobility,_ I thought as James looked at me with a hard look in his eyes. I knew what was coming.


	4. Aftermath

Chapter 3: Aftermath

It was as if his eyes were made of ice as he looked at me and said with cool detachment, as though he were a different person, "I have to save him."

"Prongs–" I started to say, but he was already walking away from me. I started to go after him, even though I was still very confused. I couldn't think straight, and the only thing to do seemed to be going after James.

I took a step forward, but then paused. James might be willing to help the guy in the love with Lily, but I wasn't. I guess we weren't so alike after all. I turned abruptly around and nearly ran back to the common room, willing myself not to think about the fact that I might have caused the death of a fellow student–instead I forced myself to think about Snape and Lily, and how much Snape deserved whatever he got.

Still unable to see properly, I was glad the portrait hole was already open so that I didn't have to think of the password. I didn't even realise the fact that it was open was rather strange. I was about to go through when I felt myself collide with another person.

I saw a flash of red, and I quickly turned. "Lily?" I asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Severus was supposed to meet me here." _Well, he won't be able to, Lily,_ I thought. "But he never showed up. So I was about to go back into the common room when I thought I heard something. Where is he anyway?"

"Taking a walk, I presume," I replied formally, and turned away from her, finally realising–as much as I hated to admit it–that Snape was Lily's best friend. How would I feel if my best friend were in danger?

It made me feel guilty.

Gods, I hate feeling guilty.

She grabbed my arm forcefully as I was about to step through the hole. I almost fell on top of her, but instead I fell (not so) gracefully to the side. "What did you do that for?" I asked. The portrait swung shut, and Lily sat down beside me.

"What do you know, Sirius?" Her eyes bored into mine suspiciously.

"It's hard to tell... I know quite a bit about everything."

"Sirius Black, you know something and I want to know what it is!" She grabbed my hands in an attempt to stop me from standing. Even though I could've easily broken her grasp, I gave in.

"Fine..." I swear, those green eyes of hers really need to be made illegal. She could get me to do anything. "Snape's going into the tunnel under the Whomping Willow."

"There's a tunnel?" she asked sceptically. "And how would he get past the tree, anyway?"

"You just have to prod a knot. It's not hard."

"How do you know?"

And guilty though I already was, it was time to lie. "Someone told me. It's not important."

"What's down there?" She looked more and more concerned by the second.

"Don't worry, James is going after him."

"James?"

"Yeah, James heard about it first, and told me on his way out. It must be pretty dangerous." All lies. I never realised I was so good at it.

"Should we do something?" she questioned, now looking positively horrified.

"James'll take care of it. Don't worry."

"I have to tell the Headmaster!"

And before I could say anything else, she was off running.

I stood up, about to give the password to the Fat Lady, until I realised I couldn't remember it.

I turned my back on my common room; my only thought was to get far away from the place where I supposedly belonged. I ran blindly. Eventually I stopped in a corridor where I had never been–or didn't recognise. There was a window with a bench in front of it. I sat down silently.

I was alone with my thoughts.

OooOooOooO

"Sirius! Wake up!" I opened my eyes and attempted to straighten my neck to look up, but there was a shooting pain when I tried. Attempting not to grimace too badly, I stood up, my entire body sore from sleeping in the corridor for hours. I looked out the window for a moment. It appeared to be sunrise.

"We've been looking everywhere for you! I could't even look on the map because you took it! Why are you _here_?" I looked at James, who appeared very concerned.

"I don't know. I took a walk and somehow ended up here."

"Dormitory not good enough for you?" asked James, attempting to crack a smile.

"Of course not," I said, trying to sound unconcerned.

"Well, I have to tell you... They're waiting for you in Dumbledore's office."

"They?"

"McGonagall's there too."

I nodded, unable to say anything, and began walking toward the Headmaster's office. James offered to go with me, but I shook my head.

I was unable to think of anything except my impending expulsion. Before I knew it, I was being ushered into Dumbledore's office, without being able to recall a single step of the journey there.

"Take a seat, Black," my Head of House said coldly to me.

I looked warily at the Headmaster before I reluctantly sat down.

Dumbledore nodded to McGonagall, which somehow caused her to to sit near the back wall, completely silent.

"Mr. Black, we've unfortunately come to the conclusion that you are the cause of this–prank." Dumbledore looked more angry and disappointed than I'd ever seen before.

After a long pause, he continued, "What could have possibly caused you to put the life of a classmate in danger? I understand that you're not exactly on the best terms, but this wasn't a harmless prank. Severus nearly died."

_So I'm Mr. Black but he's Severus?_ I thought cynically. _Good thing James was there._ Aloud, I said, "I didn't tell him to go down the tunnel. All I did was tell him how to control the Whomping Willow. He made the decision to use my information on his own, sir."

"But you knew that Remus was down there in his werewolf form, and Severus did not."

"Snape was well on his way to figuring out Remus was a werewolf without any help from me." I realised I was starting to sound impolite, but for some reason I had stopped caring.

"But regardless of all that, Mr. Black, you told Severus in a way that forced him to follow your 'advice'."

"So you're saying, sir," this conversation was bordering on rudeness, "that Snape isn't expected to have self control–but _I_ am?"

"You couldn't help but tell him, is that it, Mr. Black?"

"No, sir, I could not," I replied, answering truthfully.

"You couldn't?"

"No."

"And may I ask why not?"

"You can ask, sir, but I won't answer." Okay, I had just crossed the line. I was being rude to the Headmaster. Beyond rude. I deserved to be expelled just for this conversation. In an attempt to fix it, I apologised, "I'm sorry, sir. But all I can say is that Snape's actions forced me to do what I did."

He nodded solemnly, "You could've been expelled for this, but your Head of House and I have come up with a different punishment..."

I looked at McGonagall, but she stared stonily away from me.

"Seven days of detention. It would be more, but then I believe you will need to be studying for O.W.L.s," he stared at me pointedly, and I knew that was part of the punishment. "Also, seventy-five points will be deducted from Gryffindor, and all of your Hogsmeade privileges will be taken away for next year."

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"Are you kidding? That's all?"

"Yep, that's my whole punishment," I said, growing more and more pleased by the minute, and was glad that James was taking my side.

"Well, the house points thing is pretty bad, but I don't even think that'll take us out of the lead. A week's detention is bad too–but not nearly as bad as it could be. And you can easily sneak to Hogsmeade next year, so you don't even have to pay attention to that one."

I laughed. "I know. The detention won't be so great, but my punishment could be a lot worse. And," I added, lowering my voice, "Snape's been ordered not to tell anyone that I was the one who told him about it. I mean, he probably will anyway, but there's always a chance he won't."

My gaze returned to Lily Evans, studying. I hoped that Snape wouldn't tell her–but, I guess if he were going to tell anyone, it would be his best friend, Lily.

_His_ best friend. Nothing I could say or do would be likely to change that. As horribly jealous as I was, I realised that the entire case seemed hopeless.

But what could I say? I'd always been somwhat of an optimist...

I couldn't give up.

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I was nearly asleep by the fireplace later that night when I noticed a flash of red hair. My eyes jerked open from their half-closed state. Lily looked at me, and for a split second I thought that she'd found out, that Snape had told her, and that she hated me. But then she smiled, as always. She gave a small wave, and I could barely hear her soft words drift toward me across the quiet common room: "See you tomorrow."

I grinned back, wishing that I didn't feel a pang of guilt every time I looked at her.


	5. Mudblood

**Author's Notes:**

_Thanks to Karen for being a great beta!_

_This chapter was both difficult and fun to write. I had to make this Snape's worst memory from Sirius's point of view. But, of course, for that reason a lot of this dialogue/description is not my own. It is taken (of course) out of the chapter "Snape's Worst Memory" from OotP. Specifically, from pages 640-649._

Chapter 4: Mudblood

For the first time in the last few weeks I wasn't lying when I told James that I had forgotten something.

"Here, I'll come with you–"

"No, it's okay," I told him graciously. "I'll catch up, and I don't want both of us to be late for our exam. One of us has got to set an example around here."

He laughingly agreed, so I ran back to my dorm, grabbed the only quill I ever used, and walked quickly to the Great Hall, aware that I had more than enough time and wouldn't be late.

Just saying that I was in a good mood would be an understatement. I was acing all of my exams; detentions hadn't been too bad; Gryffindor was far in the lead for the House Cup; and–best of all–Snape hadn't told Lily! Lily and I were starting to be great friends–even though she was still a tad (okay, maybe a lot) annoyed with James.

I mean, honestly, it was just _weird_ to be this happy. But, hey, when life gives you magic, make–

"...Evans," I heard being growled from around the corner. I stopped abruptly, my euphoria immediately becoming unease. I leaned closer and vaguely recognised the voices of some of the worst of the Slytherins–future Death Eaters, all of them. Silently, I listened as one of them hissed, "Why are you friends with the Mudblood girl?" The words themselves weren't all that bad, but something about the way they were said was like a thinly-veiled threat–as if any second one of them would pull out their wands and send over the Cruciatus Curse. He continued, "You know what she'll do to you... and what we'll do to you..."

I stood rooted, waiting for someone to reply to his words, and yet unable to do anything myself. Less than a minute after I had first heard Lily's name mentioned, I heard one set of footsteps go in the direction I was headed and the other go down a corridor to the left. I looked around the corner, slowly at first. I saw the back of someone with greasy black hair.

Unable to comprehend what I had just seen, I ran the rest of the way to the Great Hall, where I was just in time for my second-to-last exam.

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It was the Defence Against the Dark Arts theory exam. It was ridiculously easy. Once you've achieved becoming an Animagus, everything seems simple. Trust me on this one.

I finished ten minutes early, and I was sure that I got an Outstanding. Not that that was surprising, of course.

James was finished only a few minutes after I was. He turned around and I gave him a thumbs-up. We both grinned, and he turned back, most likely to start writing "Mr. Lily Evans" on his parchment.

I think that by this time I had forgotten the conversation I heard in the hallway, because all I could think about was how I wasn't quite as obsessive over Lily yet.

_Besides,_ I thought arrogantly, _I bet there's some girl around here doodling my name on her paper._ Sure enough, there was one directly behind me. I was in a particularly good mood, so I was about to bestow a smile on her when I noticed red hair just three seats down from her. I glanced over. Lily Evans. The other girl tried to catch my eye again, but I just turned around in my seat, thinking that maybe James was right about this one: doodling Lily's name all over my parchment didn't seem all that bad anymore.

About this time my mind clicked back to the words I had overheard. The obvious meaning to the conversation was that someone was threatening Snape that he couldn't be friends with Lily any longer. Also obviously, it had been all those pureblood-mania Slytherins (but weren't they all?). But Snape hadn't even responded. He was a cowardly git, of course, but he probably should've said something.

I felt so detached as I thought about this; it was so unlike me. This prank might have changed me... Who had even guessed it was possible?

The detachment seems to melt away as I began to think of what _I_ would've done had I been in Snape's position.

I, of course, would have stood up to them. I probably wouldn't have been in the position to be threatened by them anyway (since Snape must have tried to get on their good sides at one time or another). But that wasn't the point.

Would Snape give up his friendship with Lily?

And–more importantly–was there any way for me to use this conversation? To show Lily how Snape really was?

I vaguely heard Professor Flitwick say something, but my mind was in a different world until I felt my exam fly out from under my elbow.

I met up with James, and we walked with Moony and Wormtail to the grounds. Snape was still in the back of my mind as I talked to my friends.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" I asked as we exited the Great Hall.

The others spoke casually about it, while I thought intensely about Snape. Would he hurt Lily? Surely he couldn't keep their friendship up forever with those type of people around him.

I heard Remus speak as he finally noticed Snape as well. "Keep your voices down." I could tell he was still shaky about the other night. Having Snape know his secret probably wasn't the greatest feeling in the world. No time to feel guilty, though.

"Well," I told them, bragging a little as I tried to act as normal as possible, "I thought that paper was a piece of cake. I'll be surprised if I don't get Outstanding on it at least." Just how exactly I could possibly get higher than an Outstanding was beyond me–but it sounded good.

James grinned. "Me too." I watched as he pulled a Snitch out of his pocket. I rolled my eyes. That stupid Snitch.

Still, I couldn't keep my expression too humourless; I cracked a smile as I questioned, "Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it," James answered, his voice nonchalant. I saw a flash of pride in his eyes, though.

We settled under a tree near the lake. Near us, I noticed, Snape also sat. I tilted my head a bit and was unable to think of anything but that conversation. I wondered...

Ah, Lily was the reason James was playing with the Snitch so dramatically. I had finally noticed that Lily was near the water's edge; James beat me this time.

Still, now that I knew the reason, it was getting rather annoying. "Put that away, will you? Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement," I added, finding a perfect excuse for my annoyance. Besides, Wormtail _was_ being more stupid than usual.

"If it bothers you," James told me with a grin.

"I'm bored," I said abruptly, realising what would happen. This time I was fully anticipating the consequences of my actions. I willed my eyes not to glance toward where I knew Snape was. "Wish it was a full moon." After all, we hadn't gotten to do anything for the last one. Which, granted, had been my fault.

"You might," Moony said, giving me a reproving stare. I could see that little prank I pulled would always be hanging over my head. Not one to hold act as though he were holding a grudge, Moony added, "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored you could test me... Here."

I stared at the outstretched book and snorted. "I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all." I tried not to say anything more about being bored, but I wondered when and if James would ever take the hint. I chanced a glance at Snape where he was still sitting.

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot." James had taken the bait. "Look who it is..."

I had to act this out correctly. I turned my head and tried to become very still, as if this were the first time I noticed Snape.

"Excellent," I breathed (very realistically, if I do say so myself). "_Snivellus._"

Snape was putting his exam paper in his bag. When he was out in plain view, James and I stood. I waited for James to start as I knew he would.

"All right, Snivellus?" he called.

As if he had been expecting this, the jerk reached for his wand, but only managed to get it partway into the air when James disarmed him. I laughed tauntingly and said, "_Impedimenta!_" Snape was thrown back onto the ground.

Other people were coming to watch–Wormtail actually did look as though he were going to wet himself–and I knew that Snape must be feeling very provoked. I avoided looking at the lake, knowing beyond all doubt that Lily would be coming over any moment.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?"

I said bitingly, "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment. There'll be grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

I shut off my feelings completely as I saw Snape struggling to get up. He gasped to James, "You–wait. You–wait..."

"Wait for what?" I asked calmly, my voice cool to the extent of emotionless. "What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

He tried to curse us, but he still didn't have his wand.

James's voice was colder than mine as he ordered, "Wash out your mouth. _Scourgify!_"

Soap poured out of Snape's mouth, and I clung to my indifference until–

"Leave him ALONE!"

James looked around wildly; I nearly rolled my eyes but stopped myself in time. I followed suit, even though I knew exactly who the voice belonged to.

Lily. She lasted a bit longer than I thought she would; but you never know, maybe she and Snape have been fighting lately.

James made his voice sound mature as he said, "All right, Evans?"

She looked at James with the utmost distaste as she said, "Leave him alone. What's he done to you?"

"Well, it's more the fact that he _exists_, if you know what I mean..."

I laughed, unable to take my eyes off of Lily; I watched as she stood up the crowd of people surrounding her.

"You think you're funny. But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone_."

James spoke very fast, as if wanting to get all the words out before interruption, "I will if you go out with me, Evans. Go on... Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again." I prevented myself from making any sort of facial expression as he did this. He was my best friend, but being in love with the same girl wasn't exactly the best situation.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid."

"Bad luck, Prongs," I told him, sounding far more sincere than I actually was. This whole situation was straying quite a bit from where I planned it to go. I turned around and, to my horror, saw Snape reaching for his wand. "OY!" I yelled.

Snape send his famous curse at James, but only one cut appeared on his cheek before James retaliated, causing Snape to be hoisted in the air. I couldn't help but laugh at the sight.

I just noticed the split second that Lily looked as though she might laugh too, but she quickly said, "Let him down!"

"Certainly." An instant later, Snape was crashing into the ground. He tried to get up, but I cast a full-body bind.

Any second... This might actually work...

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" she shouted, actually drawing her own wand.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you."

"Take the curse off him, then!"

James sighed, but removed the curse. "There you go, you're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus–"

_Now_...

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

I had heard him use the term so many times before, but hearing him say it to Lily–even though I was anticipating it–was too much.

She blinked as if too surprised to do or say anything. "Fine," she said icily a moment later. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_."

"Apologise to Evans!" James yelled.

I looked at Lily, wondering if I should blame this whole thing on myself. Her face was blank, emotionless, but her voice wasn't as she yelled, "I don't want _you_ to make him apologise. You're as bad as he is..."

"What? I'd NEVER call you a–you-know-what!"

"Messing with your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off a broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down the corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can–I'm surprised you can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."

She turned and left quickly, not bothering to see Snape's fate.

"Evans!" my best friend called pointlessly. "Hey, EVANS!" When she didn't respond, he turned to me and asked, "What is it with her?"

Was he really that thick? Trying to sound apologetic, I replied, "Reading between the lines, I'd say she think you're a bit conceited, mate."

"Right... Right–"

I couldn't help but cringe as James sent another spell at Snape, asking the crowd, "Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

I looked around, all at once feeling like I needed air, and that I was suffocating here. I searched for an excuse–any excuse to leave. Because I had to leave: I couldn't stay any longer.

"Prongs..." I started. He looked at me, and I forced myself to look worried–in an arrogant sort of way. "I think I just saw someone run for a teacher. We really don't want to be caught out here after what happened two weeks ago, right?"

James nodded, disappointed, and we started to leave. I released the spell on Snape just as we entered school.

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**A/N**: _Another heart-to-heart between Lily and Sirius next chapter! I hoped you liked this chapter!_


	6. Identity

**Author's Notes:**

_Thanks go to Karen for being a great beta!_

_I would love everyone if they read __**Only Him**__, my newest one-shot. I'm dying for some opinions!_

Chapter 5: Identity

I noticed Lily exiting the common room late the next night. James didn't notice, fortunately, so he stretched and yawned, "I think I'm going to sleep. You coming, Padfoot?"

"No, I'm not tired," I told him, peeling my eyes away from the portrait hole.

"Okay… 'Night."

I grinned in reply, and leaned back to wait.

Her look was one of scorn when she came back.

I pretended I had just noticed her. "Hey, Lily!" I called, glad that very few people were still awake.

She looked at me and tried to smile. I gestured her over, so she came toward me hesitantly.

"Sirius–"

"Look, Lily," I told her quickly, before she could say anymore. "I know that you're mad at me and James, and I feel like a jerk. I mean it. But I _really_ want you to not be mad at me–us–James too."

"Sirius, listen–"

"And there's something else too," I told her, realising and yet not doing anything about my expression for once. I was sure that I looked sad and hurt–probably far more hurt than if I just cared for Lily as a friend. But for the first time I had to come clean. "I–I was the one who told Snape about that tunnel... I was just really mad at him and... It just happened. To tell you the truth, I'm not sorry I did it to him–because I hate him–but I don't want to hurt you. Wow, this is coming out really cheesy, but we're friends, right? We still are... right?"

"Sirius..." she said for the third time as she sat down next to me. "It's okay–well, no, it really isn't, but... But I don't know, I guess I'm just not as mad at you as I should be. Other things have happened. Severus... well, Severus and I aren't friends anymore."

My plan worked, but I was feeling less triumphant than I thought I would. "Because of what he called you?"

"Well, if it were just that one time, I don't think it would be as big of a deal–would matter as much. But even _I've_ heard him call other people like me that... term. So why shouldn't he call me that, too? That must be how he feels."

For some reason, the calm tone of her voice was far more worrying to me than if she had been shouting or crying. It was as if she'd already accepted that her friendship was over. "Did you tell him that?"

"Yeah... and I told him that we were–were going separate ways," she told me hesitantly, as if not realising that I was there any longer. Then she started talking rapidly, and if wanting to get the story out before I disappeared. As if I would leave. She was pouring her heart out to me, and I wouldn't leave for all the money in the world.

"He always seemed slightly prejudiced against Muggles, but, you know, I just thought that was because he was such a powerful wizard. That he sort of felt superior. But that was part of the problem, I think. That he _was_ so smart. Well, okay, I guess that's not the problem. But he's been using his intelligence for inventing _curses_. He's invented spells that are just plain evil.

"And he's not... I don't know how to word it... his own _person_ anymore, if that makes sense. You know who he's friends with: all those Death Eaters. And once you're friends with a Death Eater, well, it's kind of like signing your life away. I _tried_ to ignore it, but how can I ignore something like that?

"But, I mean, even with all that, he's been so nice to me. I think that he actually might be sorry, but I can't accept it. No, this 'Mudblood incident'" –she said the phrase as if it were too disgusting to word– "is the last straw. This is it. Unless he gives up all these prejudices and decides that he really does want to be friends–to not be evil. I wish I could help him, but I've been friends with him for a long time, Sirius, and I know that no one can make him change. Maybe I was crazy to even try. But he was my best friend and I had to.

"But I failed."

I stared at her for a moment. Her face was cool and emotionless, but her bright green eyes looked sad and tired. I had no idea what to say. I felt like I should tell her something comforting, about how Snape would come around. But I couldn't. Because it wasn't true.

"Lily, you know I don't like Snape, so anything I say probably won't come out right... But I can't imagine calling anyone I considered my best friend that word. And it's not like he's got the best track record, right?

"But none of that's helping. I wish I could tell you that he'll come around and be a better person, but I know you wouldn't believe me if I told you. So, just remember that you... Well, you have other friends, Lily. And if you ever want to talk to me–like we are right now–of course I don't mind. Because," I told her in an attempt to lighten the mood, "I don't think you would tell me all that if you haven't forgiven me."

She gave me a half-smile, which I figured was probably the best she could do under the circumstances. "Thanks, Sirius." She started to get up.

I panicked for a second. "For what?" I questioned urgently.

She looked at me, puzzled. "For listening, of course. And telling the truth."

I nodded at her, glad that I had come clean.

"Good night, Lily," I told her, realising that it was the first time in weeks I hadn't felt guilty after seeing her.

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"Our last day," James said sadly, looking around the grounds as we walked.

I looked at him, feeling very bitter about having to go home. "Come on, Prongs, your house is about a thousand times better than mine... I'll have to sit around all summer listening to them go on about how I need to marry a pueblood or something like that–"

"Which, of course, would mean you'd have to marry your cousin..."

I laughed reluctantly. "I don't know if I'll be able to stand it again."

"So stay with me and my family again, Sirius. You know they won't mind."

"They wouldn't mind doing anything for their precious baby boy."

We both laughed. Finally everything was back to normal. As long as James never found out my secret, it would be okay. I could handle it.

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"Sirius, can I talk to you for a second?"

I stopped instantly as I heard her voice. I had been about to leave the train station, but if Lily wanted me to wait, then that was perfectly fine with me.

"Yeah, of course, Lily."

James looked at me, his expression something similar to awe. I grinned at him, forcing myself not to look remotely triumphant. James turned to Lily and asked, "You okay, Evans?"

I have no idea why James insisted on calling her by her last name. But, hey, what can you do?

"I'm fine, Potter," she told him, rolling her eyes. "I need to talk to Sirius."

We walked next to each other as she distanced herself from the crowd by the Hogwarts Express.

"So what's going on, Lily?"

"I don't know," she sighed, looking away from me. After a minute, she continued, "I know you feel the same way about Hogwarts that I do–"

"It's home."

"The only place that really feels like it. Oh, my parents are great and everything. But my sister–her name's Petunia–hates me so much. It just kind of ruins it. Plus, I don't know, I feel sort of out of place."

"Well, you're better off than me," I couldn't help but say bitterly.

"Yeah, I know about your family, Sirius. But you're different."

"Well, obviously, but–"

"You can handle it."

"Well, if I can handle an entire summer with people who are so into blood purity, I think you'll be more than fine this summer."

"I know."

I looked toward the group of people milling around, wanting to go home to start their break. Among them, I noticed my younger brother staring at me haughtily. Lily noticed too. "Your brother is waiting for you..."

"Is there something else you wanted, Lily?" I asked, more than willing to remain there, talking to Lily for all eternity if need be.

"I just wanted to say thanks... for everything. And, well, I'm glad we're friends, Sirius." She cringed slightly; I think she realised how overly sentimental it sounded.

I grinned and was about to say something when I noticed Lily focusing on something over my shoulder. I quickly looked. Regulus had lowered himself to walking toward us.

He looked pointedly away from Lily as he said, "We should be going, Sirius."

I rolled my eyes. He couldn't even look at a Muggle-born now? Still, nothing I could do would be able to change it, so I just said, "One minute."

He nodded solemnly, walking a few metres away.

"I have to go, Lily. And I'm sorry about my brother. He's–well, he's a Black. _Toujours Pur_," I muttered bitterly at the end.

She smiled hesitantly at me. "Good luck this summer, Sirius," she said, then walked away without waiting for an answer. Was I going crazy, or did that sound like a command?

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Every summer since I had started Hogwarts I had remained holed in my room. Well, I visited James a lot, too, but there was definitely a lot of escaping from my family. But by some unspoken agreement, I was forced to have one conversation with my mother once a year. This, of course, usually ended in screaming, but I had to do it.

"Sirius," she said, inclining her head regally at me. She, of course, had not met us at the train station. She had sent a house-elf. Also obviously, she had talked to Regulus first. Not that I cared: I loved any excuse to prolong my wait.

"Hello, Mother," I said, keeping my face and voice expressionless. This was the only way to deal with the conversation.

"How was school? And your grades?"

At first she liked to pretend for a moment that she might actually care. It was a tactic that she was very practiced in. She would try to catch me off guard, then go in for the kill.

"It was fine."

"Good." We sat staring at each other. Then she continued. "And you have a lot of friends?"

"Yes."

"Good." A long pause. "And your exams. Difficult?"

"No. They were fine."

"And your House? Don't you wish you had been a Slytherin?"

It was coming now. "No, I don't."

"Hm, well then." Soon, just give her a moment... "And a girlfriend?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you have one?"

"No." I had decided not to pretend to keep a relationship going over the summer. It wasn't necessary, after all.

"Why don't you date one of those lovely pureblood Slytherins? You are a _Black_, after all."

"What's that got anything to do with it?"

"Well, you don't want to be like, well..." She trailed off delicately, as if the next words were too disgusting to say.

"Like one of the relatives who got blasted off the tree."

"They did not 'get blasted off'. They were removed, since they are no longer part of this family."

"Because they married someone who wasn't a pureblood?"

"Blood purity is, of course, very important."

"Why?"

She glared at me, mentally damning my questions, I was sure. "You must keep the bloodlines in perfect order–"

"'Bloodlines'? We aren't horses. Why is someone's blood less 'pure' if they are descended from Muggles?"

"Do not interrupt. Their blood is more common because they are descended from a race that cannot perform magic."

"And that makes them less important."

"Yes."

"But that doesn't make sense. They are just as good as we are," I spat, my voice icy.

"They are not as good as we are. They are _inferior_, and should be treated as such."

"Well, if I want to marry a Muggle-born, then I will. Blood status isn't important."

"You are a Black! You are descended from one of the most ancient wizarding families, and you should begin acting that way. Instead, your friends are either blood traitors or half-bloods, and you have apparently befriended a Mudblood girl–"

I jumped out of my chair, all indifference melting away in an instant. "She's not a Mudblood!" I yelled.

She stared at me calmly, the only evidence of her anger in the harsh set of her face. "She is so. Isn't it true that her parents are Muggles?"

"You can't call her that! She's better than you–all of you. All you care about is blood and you can't even see that they're people–"

"Not with Muggle blood, they're not."

"Yes they are!" I yelled as a glass exploded on the table.

"Control yourself!"

I opened my mouth to say something, but knew it would be pointless. They wouldn't change, and I could no longer live with it.

I ran to the door, my mother only a few steps behind me.

"Where are you going?" she shrieked, finally losing control.

"I'm leaving. Have fun blasting me off of the family tree. If only I actually could be removed from this damn family."

She screamed something, but I couldn't hear. I grabbed my wand that was still in my pocket, threw out my wand arm, and boarded the Knight Bus.


	7. Burn

Chapter 6: Burn

"Sirius?" James said in surprise. Then his face broke into a grin. "Hey! You usually don't come here for a little while into vacation. Is… Is something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong!" I laughed. "It's great, actually."

He looked confused for a moment, but realisation came over his face as he asked, "Wait! Did you run away from home?"

"Yeah, I finally did it," I told him, grinning.

He finally laughed too. "That's great! I knew you would."

"Do you think your parents would–you know–mind if I stayed here?" I asked, only slightly nervous. James's parents loved me.

"Well, you know how Mum and Dad are. They won't mind–they'll probably wish you'd been their son instead of me."

I laughed, relieved. Then something occurred to me.

Casually–nothing would've been able to dampen my spirits–I said as I walked through the door, "Oh, by the way, we'll have to go back there tomorrow: I forgot to bring my stuff."

He looked worried for a moment, and then shrugged. "Okay. It'll be easy with the cloak."

"They're going to be gone anyway. My brother told me." Yes, in the ten-word conversation my brother and I'd had on the way home from King's cross, he'd managed to reveal a piece of information that was actually useful. That was a first.

"That'll make it easier. What about Kreacher?"

"We can just st–"

"Sirius!" I heard as I rounded the corner.

"Hello, Mrs. Potter," I managed to say as she came up to me, looking me over.

"Sirius, I can't believe you're actually here!" she said excitedly. I noticed that her brown hair was even greyer than the last time I'd seen her. I was fully struck by the fact that James's parents were very old. She continued, "You usually don't come for a few days at least..." She gave me another searching look.

James reappeared with his father.

"Sirius, James said you were here. Is something wrong?"

If only James were _half_ as observant as his parents… Well, no, I guess if he were, he would've realised about me loving Lily, which wouldn't have been a good thing.

Mrs. Potter looked worried as she ushered us into the living room.

James and I took opposite chairs, while his parents sat on the couch.

"Nothing's wrong, is it?" Mrs. Potter questioned intensely.

"I left home," I said firmly. For all that I had left without a moment's thought–not even remembering to pack my trunk–I was more sure of this than I had ever been about anything. I continued, "I was wondering if I–if I could stay here."

"You're certain about this?" Mr. Potter asked.

"Yes, I am. Completely."

"Well, I guess we couldn't do anything about this even if we wanted–"

"Why?" Mr. Potter asked abruptly, interrupting his wife. She didn't mind, though.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you mind telling me why you're running away?"

"Because of all their 'pureblood superiority' sh–crap. Their damn–sorry, Mrs. Potter–support of Voldemort. It's just… It's just everything. I can't stay there anymore… Don't you understand?"

"Of course I do. I just wanted to hear you say it," he answered calmly, a smile finally beginning to come across his face.

"So I can stay?" I asked hopefully.

His parents exchanged looks for a split second. He turned to me and answered, "Of course you can!"

James and I grinned triumphantly at each other.

The summer had begun.

OooOooOooO

"So what are you boys planning on doing tomorrow?" Mrs. Potter asked after dinner.

James and I glanced at each other, looking guilty.

"Nothing," I said firmly.

Mr. Potter laughed. "The look on your faces," he tried to explain. I stiffened. "It's just–don't be too embarrassed if you're going to be with girls or something."

"Boys will be boys," Mrs. Potter added, nodding and smiling.

James and I stared at each other, and we silently agreed not to disagree with them. We certainly didn't want to tell them that we would be sneaking into my house.

Mrs. Potter smiled softly at us. "Is it that Lily girl? James has been so fond of her for _years_."

_I know,_ I thought.

"A great girl, that one," Mr. Potter added.

As if they had to explain _that_ to me.

"No, Mum, it's not Lily–"

"You know her, of course, don't you, Sirius?" she asked.

"Yeah, I do." _I wish I knew her better._

"Don't you think that she and James are perfect together?"

"James knows exactly what he wants!" Mr. Potter said proudly.

"Yes, he does," I admitted quietly.

"Lily is just the right girl for h–"

"Dad," James groaned. "Come on. Nothing is going on between me and Lily."

"But you want it to," he pointed out.

"Well, yeah, of course. But that doesn't really matter, does it?"

"You'll wear her down some day!"

Well, that was obviously where the hopeless optimism came from.

"Gods, Dad. You say that like it's so easy."

"It'll happen, James. Just you wait."

I stood abruptly, unable to stand in a room any longer with three people who seemed so sure of Lily's fate. Of Lily's fate with someone other than me.

"I'm tired," I announced. "Do you mind if I–"

"Oh no, Sirius. You go right up. The guest bedroom is all ready for you."

"Thanks, Mrs. Potter."

"Just one more question!" Mr. Potter demanded. "Don't you think he and Lily will end up together?"

I stood completely still. _Say something,_ I thought desperately. _Say anything. Just lie. Say yes._

"Yes." I forced the word out, even though I knew that I was lying.

Right?

I was lying, right?

Of course. It was Lily and I, not James and Lily.

OooOooOooO

"I feel bad not telling your parents about this… I mean, they did just do me a huge favour."

"So what would you do instead?" James asked, looking very surprised at my concern for his parents. "We don't have another option. I mean, I really don't think they would like us sneaking into your old house."

I couldn't help but grin. My 'old house'. Exactly. I didn't live there any more. "Of course you're right. Besides, I need my stuff. I don't even have my wand."

"Well, we can't break the underage laws if you don't have your wand…"

"We're still going for the record?"

He raised his eyebrows. "I thought we've had the highest record since–what?–fourth year?"

"Sounds about right. Well, we'd better pack in as much as we can this summer, because next summer we'll both be seventeen."

"It'll take all the fun out of magic, I swear..." He paused for a moment, and then whispered, "Look, there they are."

"We barely even had to wait," I commented as I watched my family exit the house.

"Is Kreacher with them?" James asked.

"Do you honestly think they would let their house-elf tag along to some high-society dinner?" I chuckled.

"Well, you never know how these purebloods are… Still, you have to admit that it would've been easier."

"It'll be easy enough anyway. Come on… The sooner we can get it over with…" I added under my breath.

We crept to the door, unwilling to take the Cloak off yet. I could only believe that the house would've sealed itself off from me. James saw my expression and, rolling his eyes in an amused way, knocked on the door sharply.

Kreacher answered, most likely assuming his beloved family had returned so soon.

His eyes grew even wider than normal. He began to screech, "Si–"

James (I would have done the honours, but I didn't have my wand, of course) coldly stunned him before he could finish the word.

"You know," I commented casually as we dropped him off in the kitchen, "I'm surprised we're not expelled from Hogwarts by now."

"We still have two more years," he told me with a grin. "There's plenty of time to get expelled."

"Goal for next year?"

"Exactly."

It was so _normal_ to feel this comfortable around James. Lily wasn't around during the summer, and life felt like it had before I'd noticed her.

I calmly averted my eyes from all the hideous decorations as we sprinted up to my room.

I opened the door, and even though it had only been one day since I had been there, everything seemed different.

James so rarely came over (for obvious reasons), that he examined the bedroom with interest. His eyes took in the chandelier, the disgustingly ornate bed, and the curtains with a mild expression of horror and great amusement.

"A lot of Gryffindor stuff..." he commented, gently touching one of the banners.

I laughed. "Yeah, well, when you're in a house with a bunch of Slytherins, you've got to set yourself apart somehow."

He appeared to be trying to rip the banner off the wall.

"Permanent Sticking Charm," I announced. "I did that a couple of years ago. I thought it would be necessary. I don't want them getting rid of this stuff. I want it to remind them of the one thing in their lives who wasn't… them," I explained grimly.

"Muggles?" James asked, looking with mild curiosity at the photos of Muggle women.

I cringed. I hated those photos now, but they were permanent, and I was leaving. "Distasteful photos of Muggle girls. There isn't much worse."

He nodded, and then burst out laughing. "It's perfect–this room is."

I grinned, shaking my head. "Come on, I just want to get out of here."

James quickly made the trunk lighter and lifted it easily. "Ready?"

I walked through my room one more time. I grabbed a couple more books, but that was all.

"Yeah, let's go," I said as I followed him downstairs.

I stopped short on the way as I walked past the drawing room. Without bothering to mention it to James, I turned abruptly and went in. I was slightly thankful as I heard James's footsteps grow fainter; he hadn't yet realised I had taken a detour.

I had to see this before I left.

The Black Family Tree.

I frantically searched for my name. I realised that this was most likely the first time I hadn't just walked by it, cringing in disgust. For the first time, I noticed the thin gold lines connecting names, and I looked toward the bottom.

I found Regulus's and looked for my own beside it.

It wasn't there.

I touched the burn mark gingerly with my forefinger as I unable to believe it was there.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Sirius?" I heard him ask, obviously concerned.

"I'm not there," I explained, incapable of removing either my eyes or my finger from where my name had once been.

"Is that bad?"

"No, it's just… final… Final in a good way."

I heard the grin in his voice as he asked, "Do you want to leave? Or are you planning on caressing that mark forever?"

"Yeah… I'm done. It's just," I said hesitantly, trying to explain as I fingered the burn again, "it's really happening, you know? I've been waiting for this for years."

He didn't respond, but nodded calmly.

"It's over now. This is the last time I'll ever see this place."

I removed my fingers suddenly as if I finally felt it burn as I knew it had last night.

I took one more look around the room–and the house I we walked downstairs.

This would be the last time I would ever see it.


	8. Barrier

Chapter 7: Barrier

"We're back!" James announced as though I might have missed the trip to King's Cross.

"Still the train ride, Prongs," I reminded him.

"Are you boys that ready to get rid of us?" Mr. Potter chuckled. 

We laughed too. It had been a great summer. 

"Now," Mrs. Potter began, "we'll miss you terribly, but both of you will be back at Christmas, right?"

"Of course, Mrs. Potter," I answered, truly grateful. 

"Here are some going-away gifts," she told us, putting a box into each of our hands. She watched as I opened my mouth to protest, but she said firmly, "No arguing. Goodbye, both of you." She gave us each a hug, looking sad but smiling.

"Thanks for letting me stay with you," I said sincerely.

Mr. Potter shook my hand. "You're welcome any time, Sirius. You know that."

"I know. Thanks," I repeated, and then stepped back, waiting for them to say goodbye to James.

Mrs. Potter's eyes became bright as she hugged James again. She whispered something in his ear. 

"Now, just make sure you don't get expelled," Mr. Potter told us as he quickly hugged his son. 

"Have fun," his mother ordered as we finally jumped on the train.

"Hey Lily!" I called the second I saw her. I hadn't seen her on the train (though I had not-so-casually searched for her). At the Feast she was sitting down at the other end of the table, so I was forced to go without talking to her until the next morning.

"Hi, Sirius!" she said brightly, looking up from her book. It didn't look like a school book, though.

"How was your summer?" I asked, striding over to her, glad that very few people were awake. I remembered the last time I had felt that way…

I shook my head, forcing my mind back to Lily.

"It was fine," she said, smiling.

"I left home," I said abruptly.

She looked confused for a second. "Well, obviously… Oh! You mean you moved out _this summer_?"

"Yep."

She rolled her eyes at my pleased expression. "You're that glad?"

"Of course."

"Why?"

"Why am I glad?"

She shook her head. "Why did you move out?"

"You know how purebloods are," I answered, shrugging.

She raised her eyebrows as she looked at me lounging lazily on the sofa. 

I rolled my eyes. "The crazy purebloods — like Snape's friends," I added without thinking.

Her face instantly became serious. She nodded without speaking. 

I sat up. "Lily, what's wrong? Did something else happen with him?"

"No, nothing else…" she answered. "I know I've had the whole summer, but it still kind of hurts."

"I can kill him for you, if you want," I offered graciously, truly not knowing what else to say — how to comfort her. 

She laughed, knowing I was joking. "You make everything seem so simple."

I raised an eyebrow. "Well, the actual killing won't be hard, but the cover-up won't be so eas—"

"No!" she interrupted, still laughing. "You make it seem like getting over a friendship is easy."

"You have other friends, Lily," I pointed out, again at loss for the right words. 

"But—"

We heard someone clamber down the staircase, and we looked to see who it was. 

"Hey Sirius!" James yelled when he saw me. He was too much of a morning person, honestly.

"Morning," I answered, sounding far more cheerful than I felt. Lily and I always seemed to be interrupted the second we were about to get into a serious discussion.

He stopped abruptly. "How are you, Evans?" he asked softly as he finally noticed she was there.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, Potter. Bye." She stood and walked out of the portrait hole, waving apologetically to me.

"What's with her?" 

I sighed. 

Months seemed to slip by as the days fell into a pattern. James and I were friends, but there was always something small there that he never sensed and that I could just barely feel. No one else would have noticed it, but it was as if something minuscule was standing in between us. We were great friends — best friends. Practically brothers. But there was always something that kept me from being whole. I always had to hide a part of myself, when for years I had never been forced to hide anything at all. Until I fell for Lily Evans.

But, again, it was hardly even there. It was something that I had to be aware of, but as weeks went on, it became second nature to lie and hide that part of myself.

Talking, snogging girls, pranking Snape. It was all great. Truly, it was. It would have been a lie to say anything different. But it was no longer perfect. There was an invisible barrier in between us that only I could sense. 

I walked up to Lily, since James was at Quidditch practise. I settled down next to her, not speaking for once. She was deeply immersed in her potion's essay, and didn't even notice my arrival. I waited calmly for her to finish, wondering when I had become so patient. Her back straightened and she began to roll up her parchment.When she finally saw me, she did a double-take.

She laughed softly and her startled expression melted away. "Where's Potter?"

"Quidditch," I answered, unable to stop the feeling of suspicion from rising in me. Why was she asking about James? Was I truly right about her starting to notice him? But my thoughts changed as I examined her worried face. "What's wrong?" I asked softly, leaning closer to her, in a position far too intimate, so I quickly moved back.

"Oh, it's nothing. Sometimes I'm just nervous for the future, you know? I just don't know what I'm going to _do_ with my life, and that scares me. I don't know what I want. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something — something important, but I don't know what it is."

"I think most people feel like that, Lily. Even James does sometimes," I added, trying to lighten the mood a bit… She was missing something. 

"What do you want to do?"

"Auror," I answered easily. It was all James and I had ever wanted to do. That was all there was, really. 

She nodded. "That's what I always expected you to do."

"Really?"

She smiled at my pleased face. "Yes, of course! There isn't another job for you, is there?"

"I guess not… But what about you? You really don't have any idea?"

"Not really," she said softly, but she avoided my eyes, so I got the feeling she wasn't telling the truth.

"Come on, Lily," I said, laughing a little. "Can't you tell me?"

"Well, I always thought that maybe I would work in the Ministry," she admitted.

"Department of Magical Law Enforcement?" I asked, laughing louder. But then I saw her face turn slightly red. "Wait, _really_?"

Her face turned bright red and she looked like she was a little angry at how hilarious I found the situation. "Well, so what if I do? Is it too tame for you or something?"

I tried to control myself, but couldn't stop from half-smiling as I answered, "No, that's fine. It's just… just… sometimes it seems like you don't want to do anything that isn't safe, I guess." My expression changed as I continued, "And that seems like a very safe job." She looked thoughtful, and I was glad she wasn't offended. My voice was soft and honest as I stumbled through what I wanted to say, "I get the feeling you want to have your life laid out for you in a perfectly straight line, but it never is, is it? You would be good in that job, but I just don't think the job would be good for _you_. I guess."

"I'm sorry if I don't want to go jump off a cliff or something, Sirius. Is there really anything wrong with wanting to be stable?"

My eyes widened as I saw that she was getting angry. "Lily, no, it's not like that—"

"I know what you mean, but I don't appreciate you telling me that… I thought you were going to help me, not hurt me." Then she blushed slightly again, but her face was still angry.

"Lily, I'm sorry — I didn't think it was—" I tried to explain quickly.

"It's fine, Sirius. Thanks."

But her voice was flat, and I knew that somehow I had made her angry.

It felt unbearably cheesy, but I had to do something. The mindless monotony of my life wasn't going well, especially now that Lily was angry at me. At times I would try to forget about her, but then I would see her, and all the feelings would come rushing back again. But it was different, somehow, and I didn't know why. For half a year I had been in love with her, and for all of those six months I'd had to hide my feelings. It wasn't right, wasn't normal. I couldn't say anything, but at the same time all I wanted was to be with her. 

We were friends, and had been getting closer by the day… until our argument. Every moment I wasn't with James, I used to be with her. She had other friends, but she told me I could understand her the way no one else could. But I knew that was the extent of it, and it would never grow into anything more.

I stared at the quill in my hand, and — not bothering to think another moment — I laid it down on the parchment and began to write.

_Dear Lily,_

_I know we got into that fight, and I wish I could say that I understand why you're so mad at me, but I really have no idea. It just always seemed to me that you never want to take a risk, that's all. Sometimes people need to do the unexpected. I know you want stability, but there's more than that, you know. Oh, never mind. I'm changing the subject._

_I'm starting to see you watch James. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or if you're starting to like him. God, I hope that's not it. I feel like such a bastard even writing that, but I can't help but want you for myself, not for him._

_Because I'm in love with you. That's all I'm going to say. It's true, Lily, and it's been true since the end of last year. Ever since we've been friends I've been in love with you. Oh, sure, I still date other girls, but there's nothing to it. It's all physical, I swear. I don't care a bit for any of them, and I only keep them around because Moony_—

I shook my head and crossed off the last word. I didn't think she would understand the nickname. I still felt idiotic, but I felt compelled to continue.

_Remus would get suspicious otherwise._

_I've tried so hard to stop thinking about you, because of James. But it's impossible. I know he's in love with you too, just as much as I am, and that hurts, Lily. I feel like a jerk and sometimes I hate myself for it. Well, I hate myself for it a lot. I almost always feel like such a traitor, but I can't help it. I've tried, I swear I've tried. _

I sounded like I was begging, but I couldn't stop. It was like a catharsis. I knew she would never read it, and that helped me to be honest. Much as I hated to admit it, I was starting to understand why those idiot girls liked to keep those ridiculous diaries. 

_I don't think it's going to stop, Lily. This isn't just a crush. _

_But I guess I have to apologise for some things too. I purposely sent Snape down the tunnel, because I was so bloody jealous of him. Yes, I was jealous of the slime-ball, because he had you as a friend, and I was just on the sidelines. I tried hard to provoke him that one day after O.W.L.s. Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't have, because maybe you would be happier if I didn't. Sometimes I think you're unhappy, and I don't like it. I like it when you're smiling and when you laugh, because that's why I fell for you in the first place, Lily. I don't feel sorry because of him, because I'll always hate him. If he would have died because of me, I would never have felt guilty unless you felt sad. Because I feel like since we've been friends I know things about you. Like I can tell when you're happy or not. It's strange, though, isn't it? I don't think James could do that. I think that's why we can have conversations like we do — we never have to explain ourselves fully. It's nice, I think. That's why I hate that you're mad at me. I wasn't trying to be a jerk — it just came out. I wish you'd talk to me again._

_You might choose James, someday. I try not to think of it, but I almost always do. Because it's so obvious, so there. He's so in love with you, and I wonder if you're starting to see it. If you choose him, it'll kill me, but I promise not to sabotage it the way I did with Snape. Because I hated Snape, but James is my best friend, not matter how he acts sometimes. _

_I think one of the reasons we fought is because I know that if you end up falling for James, you'll feel safe with him, and happy. That's why I think it'll happen someday, because I feel like you need that security. I could give you that too, Lily Evans. I'd keep you just as safe, I swear. But I know that if you dated me, it might not feel as safe at first — it'd more of a risk, and you probably don't want to take that risk. But I wish you would, I really do._

_Sometimes I tell myself I just want you to be happy, and it's true, but I can't help but want you to be happy with me… If that makes sense._

I didn't sign it. What was the point? She would never get it anyway.


End file.
